As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize how much core values drive and influence all that I do. Like most things, our deepest and highest core values are likely a product of our childhood, our unique personality and character, and life experiences that impact the way we see the world and what we find most important.

What fascinates me about values is that - although it seems like a relatively simple question to answer: “What do you value?” - it’s not always crystal clear. We often respond with surface-level answers that we think we should say: family, relationships, happiness. But the real work behind values comes in analyzing the why beneath it all: what drives and motivates your behaviors, your decisions, your actions, your choices? Those are your values.

I believe that everyone has only a few core core core values that deeply influence their behaviors.

For the workaholic, it might be status and recognition.
For the artist, it might be authenticity and self-expression.
For the adrenaline junkie, it might be spontaneity and adventure.
For the entrepreneur, it might be autonomy and freedom.
For the leader, it might be excellence and achievement.
For the minimalist, it might be order and simplicity.
For others, it might be connection or growth or play or creativity.

Or at least on the outside, that’s what it may look like to others. Only YOU know your true core values.

How to Clarify Your Core Values

Values drive what we do, what we believe, how we engage in the world, and motivate us to grow. Our values tell us when something doesn’t feel right with what we engage with. They poke us when we are pressured to do something that feels off. They let us know when we are misaligned with a person, place, or experience.

Our values are the temperature gauge of our inner knowing / intuition / inner wisdom / discernment, etc: they tell us when we are in safe and healthy ranges to live and play and when we fall into dangerous extremes that end in harm.

Two Kinds of Values We Cannot Overlook

But there are two kinds of values: 1) desired values, and 2) embodied values. Desired values are the ones that sound good and right to us and we’d like to think we uphold, but in reality, we fall short a bit. Embodied values are just that - embodied. We truly live them out in tangible ways.

You may desire a certain value but embody the opposite. For example, you may desire work-life balance but you embody hustle. You may desire deep connection with others but embody self-protecting emotional withholding. You may desire authenticity but embody shape-shifting in order to be well-liked.

So how can we get clear about if our desired values are also embodied values? Here are a few suggestions:

• Ask someone who knows you well and who you trust: “Just by looking at my life, what do you think I value, prioritize, and consider of high importance?”

• Look through this list and pick 10 values you desire to embody. Once you compile the list, imagine in your mind how someone who embodies that value would move about the world. From a birds-eye, quick view, does your life match?

• Use the journal prompts below to help you process and clarify your values.

Journal Prompts to Clarify Core Values and Live Intentionally

One. Write about what causes you the most potent and sharp stress, anxiety, and/or overwhelm.

Dig Deeper: What is the fear beneath that stress, anxiety, and/or overwhelm? What are you afraid is going to happen?

Two. Write about what gives you the most excitement, childlike joy, and giddiness on a day-to-day basis. After a long or difficult work week, what are you most jazzed about doing?

Dig Deeper: What is it about that activity or event that fills your soul?

Three. Reflect on a season of your life where you felt a considerable amount of discontentment, confusion, stress, or uncertainty. Write about the true source of those feelings where in terms of values, ie., “I felt stuck in my job and needed more freedom,” “The lack of finances made me realize how I needed much more security and stability,” “The relationship needed to end because I felt like I couldn’t be myself, I needed the ability to express myself with full authenticity.”

Four. Dream about your future self with an abundance of joy, energy, passion, and purpose. Write about what that person is doing, who he/she is surrounded by, the work he/she is doing, the way he/she spends time and energy.

Dig deeper: Write about the gap between the person you are today and the person you just wrote about.

Five. When all is said-and-done, when you’re about to take your last breath, how would you define “a good life?” Write about the things you believe you would regret doing and not doing during this lifetime.

Dig deeper: Envision yourself watching your own funeral, listening to friends and family speak of you, your life, and your legacy. What words and phrases would feel the most meaningful for you to hear about yourself?

I know that last one is deep… but sometimes we need to “go there” to really do the reflective work needed to uncover deeper parts of ourselves.

The beautiful part about values is that they change and evolve over time. A teenager will value different things than a mom of three will. And a person in their 70s will value something different than someone in their 30s. The “work” is checking in with yourself during various seasons and stages to become more aware of where our actions and behaviors align with our values and compassionately turn those desired values into embodied ones.